Parents by Choice

California Changes Law, Gives Teens More Options

2012-01-24T14:15:00.000-08:00

January 1, 2012 was a monumental day for California teens in foster care! On this day, the law changed to allow teens to remain in foster care until the age of 20, rather than be forced to exit at 18.

Known as Assembly Bill 12 (AB 12), or "Extended Foster Care," this change comes about because of the hard work of professionals, groups, and former foster youth who have witnessed the difficulties and hardships faced by the kids who have been forced to exit California's foster care system before they were ready.

Some of the highlights of this change include:

Voluntary participation. Youth have options, and can stay or leave.
Their decision isn't final! They can change their minds and return to care at any time.
A variety of placement options. Youth can remain with their foster parent, live with a friend, roommate, or on their own.

At Parents by Choice, we are actively searching for families who are willing to serve this important and growing population. These young adults are facing a critical period in life, and need guidance, support and stability!

More information can be found by contacting us: info@parentsbychoice.net or by visiting www.cafosteringconnections.org

Reacting vs. Responding, by Dr. Brian Post

2012-01-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

The following is from Dr. Brian Post (www.postinstitute.com) on the difference between reacting and responding in parenting and child-raising:

Raising a family brings with it an enormous sense of responsibility or is it reactivity? I like to distinguish between a response and a reaction. A response is a consciously motivated, loving action, whereas reaction is an unconsciously motivated, fear based action. The subtle distinction between the two is substantial, and a very fine line.

And what of responsibility versus reacting in family? It's the difference between a family that enjoys more peace and connection versus one fraught with underlying tension and resentment. Again the difference is subtle. Both families can look exactly the same. Smiling on the outside, equivalent stressors related to life, work, paying bills, the economy, etc. but the internal experience is drastically different. One family experiences stress and tension and reacts to it with increasing frustration, resentment and sometimes hatred. They are still good people. They still relate to the outside world with love, compassion, and empathy, but internally they are in survival. Primarily the sense of survival is only experienced within the home. Occasionally it
seeps out and is witnessed by the outside world. However we in the outside world are typically absorbed by our own challenges and stressors so the glimpse is only fleeting and quickly passes through our conscious minds.

Yet, the family living in a state of responsibility also looks the same. They have the same bills, same concerns about the economy, but it is their stance towards responsibility that makes the difference. Responsibility is not being victimized. Responsibility is choosing to be response-able. Taking full responsibility for how one feels, thinks, and acts in any given moment. This brings freedom and empowerment because the only bondage that we might carry from this perspective
is the bondage we clasp on ourselves. This family takes the good with the bad while expecting the bad to only last so long before the good returns and then it starts all over again. As Spencer Johnson alluded to in Peaks and Valleys, the sooner we learn from the valleys the longer we can dwell on the peaks.

A family is nothing more than an energetic system. A bunch of cells enmeshed with one another creating a pulsating, interconnected organism. Not entirely different than the way we are all energetically, universally connected, but rather just more intimately connected. So what causes the breakdown of our family peace and connectedness? Blame and fear which stem from stress. When we blame, operate out of fear, hostility and resentment, it is a reflection that we are facing our deepest fear and rather than seeking to transcend it we are being victimized by it. In this manner we also become victimized by those around us that continue to bring our fear to the present.

The take-home lesson is to know from your own experience, the difference in your life and your family's, reacting vs. responding. There are some key words to watch for which point to reacting - blame, shame or guilt. Likewise, these key words point to responding - acceptance, patience &
understanding. Which do you?

Tip: "You can observe a lot by watching" - Yogi Berra

Foster Parent Support Meetings

2011-09-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

September foster parent support meeting at Parents by Choice!

Current and prospective foster parents learned about how they can support youth who are "aging out" of the foster care system. Hava White led the discussion and showed a video documentary made by former foster youth entitled "From Place to Place." This documentary was amazing!

We take training seriously around here, and our foster parents are living proof! They arrive early for dinner, and drop the kids off with our volunteer child care workers who do an excellent job each month. We require our families to earn 15 hours of training annually, nearly twice what's required by the State of California. Does this mean our foster parents are twice as good as the average foster family in California? We think so.

Updates Moving to Facebook

2010-03-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

Can't wait for the latest news from Parents by Choice?

Come visit our Facebook page, and become a fan! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Parents-by-Choice/268880429286

What are the Characteristics of Successful Foster Parents?

2009-09-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

We often hear the question: "What makes a successful foster parent?" Sometimes it's from a nervous caller...inquiring about foster parenting for the first time. Other times it might be from a person in the community who has heard horror stories or read something in the newspaper. Often this question is followed up by further inquiries about a hypothetical foster parent's age, ethnicity, motivation, experience with children, and so on.

Here's what recent research says about this issue:

Children in foster care are more stable, and their placement is more successful when:

Foster parents are able to show empathy to the child(ren) they are working with.
Foster parents are accepting and don't assume the success of the placement is totally up to the child.
Foster fathers are emotionally involved with the child.
Foster parents state that they "like children."
The agency makes a "good match" when placing a child in the home.
Foster parents have a natural support system (at least three family members and/or friends) to help them.
Foster parents provide a well-defined structure.
Foster parents are emotionally grounded (stable).
Foster parents provide stimulating activities for the child(ren).

Source: http://www.cehd.umn.edu/SSW/cascw/attributes/PDF/publications/Path_BremerReport.pdf

Three Kids, Three Families, and a Real-Life Fairy Tale.

2009-09-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

The following story was witnessed and written by Hava White, a social worker at Parents by Choice:

------------------------------------------

Everyone wants to be part of a fairy tale. And usually the “foster care fairy tale” ends with adoption, but is adoption the only outcome that is “permanent?” Is adoption the only fairy tale?

Many foster parents become attached to their foster children even though they know that our primary goals in foster care are to keep children safe and to reunite families. Foster care, by its very definition, is temporary. For those of you who have felt or are feeling these conflicting emotions, I encourage you to read this story and to open your heart and your perspective. This is a story that reminds us of why we do what we do. This is a story about lasting relationships, permanency and love. This is a story…about reunification.

Destiny. She was the first of her sisters to be placed into foster care when she was only a few days old. Coming directly from the hospital, she quickly became a very special member of Dale and Donna Barton’s family. Her smiles and her sweet personality attracted all who noticed. The Bartons began taking Destiny to visit with her birth mother every week, and soon a relationship blossomed between the Bartons and Destiny’s birth mother. It became apparent that the Bartons and Destiny’s birth mother had begun to work together towards reuniting her with her daughter.

Approximately six months after Destiny was placed, her two older sisters who had been living with another family member were placed with the Bartons as well. Five year-old Desiree was outgoing, spunky and silly. Seven year-old Mariah was intelligent, intuitive, and part of the G.A.T.E. program at her school. Thanks to the Bartons and their Parents by Choice social worker, the girls were able to remain at the same school. They had the same teachers and the same friends. Soon, all three girls became like the Bartons own grandchildren. They started attending church with the Bartons and became a part of a youth program. Soon after that, their birth mother was also invited to attend their church. This sounds like the perfect story doesn’t it? But then life threw a curveball.

Approximately five months after all three girls were together in their home, and almost a year after Destiny had been with them, the Bartons had a life-changing event occur. Donna Barton suffered a massive stroke.

With three little ones to care for, and a lasting bond that had already been established, a decision had to be made about the fate of these three girls. Aside from her birth mother, the Bartons were the only other parents Destiny knew. But with Donna’s condition, the Bartons could no longer care for all three girls. What would happen? How could the sisters stay together?
At this moment in time in our story, a young married couple named Brandon and Shelley Lake had been working on becoming foster parents for about a year. At this exact moment in time, things fell into place for them and their certification became complete…at the exact time we needed to find a more permanent home for the girls. And the icing on the cake? Shelley was a teacher at a Christian school directly across the street from where Mariah and Desiree attended school. The two older girls could attend the same school and keep their same school friends!
It was decided that Destiny would remain with the Bartons. Dale proved to be a warrior during this time: caring for both Destiny and Donna. Every Wednesday, the two older girls attended church with the Barton family.

In addition, all three girls also continued seeing their mother every weekend. A decision was finally made that Destiny would be reunited with her mother, followed by the older girls several months later.

This decision was bittersweet for the Bartons. Destiny had lived with the Bartons for all of her fifteen months of life, and they loved her with all of their hearts. But they also knew her mother loved her and had been working hard to have her girls returned to her. The Bartons had to endure a loss of their own when Destiny reunited with her mother.

Meanwhile, Brandon and Shelley Lake discovered that they were expecting their first child. Both Mariah and Desiree were excited about the new baby and argued over who would get to share their room with her.

Exactly one month shy of one year after Desiree and Mariah had been living with the Lakes and a year and a half after being placed into foster care, the girls were finally reunited with their mother and younger sister. The Lakes, similar to the Bartons, had mixed feelings about the girls leaving, but knew that they would be happy being with their mother and sister again.

To this day, Destiny, Mariah and Desiree and their mother attend church with the Bartons every week. They regularly spend time with the Lakes, and have met their long awaited foster sister Hannah Christine Lake. So you see, sometimes fairy tales can sneak up on you. While the Bartons and Lakes were busy living and loving, they created a permanent relationship with three beautiful little girls and their grateful mom. A relationship that has established a lasting tie and will build the girls’ self-esteem and confidence in the future.

Our choice to enter the world of foster care: as parents, social workers or volunteers, can subject our own hearts to loss. But in the loving, living, losing and gaining, we might stop and realize that we’ve just been part of an honest-to-goodness fairy tale.

Our Mission

2009-08-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

"What exactly do you guys do at Parents by Choice?"

This question comes my way on a regular basis. The technical answer is that we're a foster family agency--a non-profit organization that finds and trains families to care for children in California's foster care system.

But perhaps a better answer can be given by telling the story of my day yesterday.

The story starts, like most of our stories do, with a phone call. The call was from a social worker from a nearby county whom I've worked with many times before. She had a young man (I'll call him "Tim") who desperately needed a place to stay. Tim is 14, with no place to go. He'd had a fight with his caretaker, a family member who refused to allow him to return home. The police had taken Tim to a shelter for the night, while social workers scurried to find a new place for him to stay.

Thankfully, Parents by Choice had built a reputation as a trustworthy organization with this social worker. She said we were her very first option.

Thankfully, I had a family that had been screened and trained for just such a situation. Within 20 minutes, we arranged to pick up Tim and transport him to his new home.

Usually, I'm not the one to provide transportation, but yesterday was the exception. I arrived at the shelter just as Tim was finishing breakfast. The social workers at the shelter introduced me to Tim: "Tony is with Parents by Choice. We know they'll take good care of you." I couldn't ask for a better introduction! Tim offered me a sheepish smile and a handshake. No fuss, no attitude, no resistance. Just a few quiet questions about what was going to happen. He trusted me.

We left after signing paperwork and gathering Tim's stuff. The second wasn't hard, because he was travelling light--he had a single backpack containing pajamas. No change of clothes. No personal items. Just the clothes on his back, and something to sleep in.

My immediate thoughts as we drove away were: "This is a sweet kid. He doesn't deserve to be here!" We talked about video games, sports and his dad as we drove. It was obvious that his dad was his hero--"My dad and I used to drive this road. He would take me to that restaurant." Tim told me about cities he and his dad had lived in together, and things they had done. His shyness was gone as he shared story after story.

We stopped by Target to pick up some things…after all, Tim would start school the next day. He found two t-shirts and a pair of jeans to his liking. I tried to get him to choose a “Sesame Street” shirt, or one with Chuck Norris jokes on it, but he went with something a little more conservative. We also bought underclothes and other personal items. He was easy to please, polite and thankful.

Back in the car, he said: “I hope my new school has a wrestling program. I got to do that last year, and it was fun!” We talked about his school, his new home and neighborhood. I told him about the camping trips and events that we at Parents by Choice like to do with kids.

After arriving at his new home and introducing him to his family, my time with him was done for now. I’d check in regularly with him to make sure he was doing okay. Our staff would visit his home once a week, like we do with all of our kids. Because, you see, our mission is not just to provide a bed for Tim, but to make sure he’s safe, healthy, and well taken-care of. Tim’s relationship with myself and Parents by Choice has just begun.

As I backed out of the driveway and headed back to my office, I said a simple prayer for Tim. “Watch over him, Lord” I prayed. It seemed to me that the message I heard in return was: “I will…and I’ll use Parents by Choice to do so.”

Good News with Bad...

2009-08-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's official...the State of California will cut our rates by 10%. This means we will have to make major cuts to our own budget - a budget that isn't a thing of beauty right now! But continue we must, as Yoda would say.

So rather than gripe and moan about the negative news, I've decided to mention a few bright points of light at Parents by Choice:

First of all, we have continued to find homes for kids in need. It's amazing to see the sacrifices made by our foster parents...opening their home at a moment's notice, and putting their own needs aside. I admit to being a braggart. I tend to brag first about my own children--the two boys who are the lights of my life. But my second source of pride are our foster parents. They have no idea how often I mention them to others.
Next, Parents by Choice has been blessed with a donation of inventory and equipment from Sam Pollard, a friend of ours who is retiring from the t-shirt business. This means we will be able to make t-shirts, hats, and anything else you can imagine! We plan to use this gift to suppliment our income and (hopefully) teach our older youth a skill. Stay tuned for more on this subject...
Finally, we've also been blessed by a gift from a family who wanted to help kids with school clothes this fall. We were able to identify three of our kids who had great need, and this family gave generously!

So things certainly aren't wonderful, as we care for vulnerable children. Each day starts with a prayer and as much faith as I can muster. But I choose to focus on the good news rather than the bad. Parents by Choice has the best foster parents anywhere, and we are fortunate enough to be able to make a difference every day. And plan to, for as long as possible.

Governor Says He Will Cut Foster Care Rates if Propositions Fail.

2009-05-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

The following information is from the California Alliance of Child and Family Services, an advocacy organization of which Parents by Choice is a member:

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger released his May Budget Revision last Thursday, ahead of the May 19 special election that includes a series of ballot measures aimed at balancing the state’s budget, and projected that "spending this year and next will exceed available funds by $15 billion in the absence of any corrective action," assuming passage of propositions 1A, 1B, 1C, 1D and 1E.

"Should these measures all fail," the Governor warned, "the budget will be an additional $5.8 billion out of balance in 2009-10. Out-year deficits would also be higher given a revenue loss of $16.2 billion."

Of the six propositions on the ballot, the only measure garnering majority support in recent polls would prohibit salary level increases for the governor, other top state officials, and members of the legislature if the state General Fund is expected to end the year with a deficit. The others appear headed for defeat.

The Governor’s revised budget forecasts cuts in state spending to address the looming $15 billion deficit that will exist even if the five critical propositions pass, and additional cuts in the likely event they fail. Should the May 19 ballot initiatives not pass, the Administration has proposed to save $13.9 million by reducing group home, foster family agency, specialized care, and clothing allowance rates by 10%. The budget proposal does not indicate why children placed with group homes and in certified foster family agency homes were singled out for reductions in care. The action may be calculated to split the foster care community in its advocacy: rates paid county licensed foster caregivers, kin guardians and adoptive parents are not singled out for cuts, while rates paid to private nonprofit organizations that care for children through certified foster families and group homes are.

It may also suggest that the Administration believes it can score savings in foster care in this way without endangering federal economic stimulus funds. The Administration also proposes to save another $70 million by reducing the General Fund allocation to counties for Child Welfare Services by 10%. Counties could "prioritize remaining funds to protect the health and safety of children and their families, and appropriately address federal outcome requirements."

Building Childhood Memories

2009-03-12T13:24:00.001-07:00

Wow! I just pulled financial data from 2008 to see how much money our organization spent on extra curricular activities for the kids in our care. This is money spent on activities and events above and beyond the "normal" stuff of life. For example: camping trips, sporting events, birthday gifts, pizza parties, etc.

And while we pride ourselves in providing these kinds of things for our kids, the actual dollar amount surprised me. Because in 2008, we spent an average of $775 per child! That's an amazing number when you consider that we're not a huge or wealthy organization...we just make it a priority to give kids the childhood they deserve.

Last year on one of our camping trips, two sisters climbed into the rented RV and exclaimed, "So THIS is what one of these looks like on the inside!" Other kids saw snow for the first time this past January, when we took them sledding. Their smiles, squeals, and laughter make every effort worthwhile. These are just some of the many reasons why Parents by Choice makes building memories a priority.

Underlying all of this is the great group of supporters we have working along side of us. Parents by Choice receives the same amount of funding as every other child welfare organization in California. The difference comes down to management of overhead expenses and the support of people like you. Thank you for partnering with us to benefit vulnerable children!

Five Promises for Youth

2009-03-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

America’s Promise-The Alliance for Youth has published a report titled, “Every Child, Every Promise” detailing how well American children are receiving the so-called “Five Promises,” the key developmental resources that the Alliance for Youth correlate with success:

Caring adults
Safe places
Healthy start
Effective education
Opportunity to help others

These five promises are foundational issues with Parents by Choice, as we strive to rebuild young lives in our care. According to the organization’s research, young people receiving at least four of the “Five Promises” are more likely than those receiving zero or one Promise to achieve academic success, be socially competent, participate civically and avoid violence:

Twice as likely to get A's
40% more likely to volunteer
Twice as likely to avoid violence

The report notes, however, that only 31% of school-age children in the U.S. are receiving enough Promises to be confident of success. Specifically:

More than 10 million children are experiencing only 0 or 1 Promise
20% of young people, or 8.5 million, lack caring adults in their lives; only 8% of children have a formal mentor
More than 4 in 10 do not believe they will be able to reach their goals in the future

The report, which also includes action steps for changing the lives of young people now at risk, can be accessed at: http://www.americaspromise.org/.

Movin' On Up

2009-01-29T12:24:00.000-08:00

We're moving!

After more than two years at our current location, we've found a larger and better place to call home. And...since property values are so depressed in Stockton, we've been able to do all of this and save money, too!

Our new location is: 7602 Murray Drive, #104 http://maps.google.com/maps Come by and visit us--we'd love to show you around.

Parents by Choice Turns Two!

2009-01-24T10:39:00.001-08:00

Dreams really DO come true. And our dream is to help little ones find safety, permanency and love. This is the very least we can do...and it's the very least they deserve. Thank you for helping us help them--children in foster care--the most vulnerable members of our community.