Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Reacting vs. Responding, by Dr. Brian Post

The following is from Dr. Brian Post (www.postinstitute.com) on the difference between reacting and responding in parenting and child-raising:

Raising a family brings with it an enormous sense of responsibility or is it reactivity? I like to distinguish between a response and a reaction. A response is a consciously motivated, loving action, whereas reaction is an unconsciously motivated, fear based action. The subtle distinction between the two is substantial, and a very fine line.

And what of responsibility versus reacting in family? It's the difference between a family that enjoys more peace and connection versus one fraught with underlying tension and resentment. Again the difference is subtle. Both families can look exactly the same. Smiling on the outside, equivalent stressors related to life, work, paying bills, the economy, etc. but the internal experience is drastically different. One family experiences stress and tension and reacts to it with increasing frustration, resentment and sometimes hatred. They are still good people. They still relate to the outside world with love, compassion, and empathy, but internally they are in survival. Primarily the sense of survival is only experienced within the home. Occasionally it
seeps out and is witnessed by the outside world. However we in the outside world are typically absorbed by our own challenges and stressors so the glimpse is only fleeting and quickly passes through our conscious minds.

Yet, the family living in a state of responsibility also looks the same. They have the same bills, same concerns about the economy, but it is their stance towards responsibility that makes the difference. Responsibility is not being victimized. Responsibility is choosing to be response-able. Taking full responsibility for how one feels, thinks, and acts in any given moment. This brings freedom and empowerment because the only bondage that we might carry from this perspective
is the bondage we clasp on ourselves. This family takes the good with the bad while expecting the bad to only last so long before the good returns and then it starts all over again. As Spencer Johnson alluded to in Peaks and Valleys, the sooner we learn from the valleys the longer we can dwell on the peaks.

A family is nothing more than an energetic system. A bunch of cells enmeshed with one another creating a pulsating, interconnected organism. Not entirely different than the way we are all energetically, universally connected, but rather just more intimately connected. So what causes the breakdown of our family peace and connectedness? Blame and fear which stem from stress. When we blame, operate out of fear, hostility and resentment, it is a reflection that we are facing our deepest fear and rather than seeking to transcend it we are being victimized by it. In this manner we also become victimized by those around us that continue to bring our fear to the present.

The take-home lesson is to know from your own experience, the difference in your life and your family's, reacting vs. responding. There are some key words to watch for which point to reacting - blame, shame or guilt. Likewise, these key words point to responding - acceptance, patience &
understanding. Which do you?

Tip: "You can observe a lot by watching" - Yogi Berra

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